Day 6: The Day I Made Peace With My Anger
It turned into a amazing afternoon, one of these rainy, sunny afternoons. I sat throughout from the doctor, twiddling with the hem of my sweater. I had a lot to say, but I couldn't find the words. My thoughts of their anger took me away; it was a burning, intense anger that surprised me. Anger feels heavy and ugly, as if it doesn't exist. I feel uncomfortable, like a bad tenant. Growing up, I was always told that anger was wrong. It was something you had to bury, replace with a smile, or push until it went away. But lately it's been flowing like a spring and I can't stop it.
"What do you think about when you're angry?" my doctor asked softly. Desire? I'm ashamed. I get angry because I can't control it. I'm guilty of wanting to scream at the injustice of things, to feel better about myself, when I feel like I don't deserve it. My light shines through the rain:
—You're not angry. It's a part of you that knows you deserve better. It's a part of you that recognizes you deserve to be treated well. she continued. This is your inner voice telling you that something is wrong and something needs to change. What else do you know? It means that you love yourself and take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't feel this way. Is my anger, the emotion I've fought, tortured, and ashamed of for years, a friend? But when I think about it, I understand how it is. My anger is not purposeful or destructive; it has good protection. It breaks when boundaries are crossed, when I am disrespected or when I need to be ignored. It doesn't require chaos; it needs honesty, integrity and care. For the first time, I tried to listen to my anger, not push it away. Why are you here? What do you need to inform me? He taught me to get up for myself, to mention no to temptation, to stay far from human beings and conditions that make me feel small. He taught me that I should be heard, valued, and cherished, no longer just with the aid of others but by myself. I nevertheless conflict with anger, but I no longer see it as my enemy. I stopped trying to get rid of it and started looking to it for guidance.
If, like me, you were taught to fear or hate your own anger, I hope you'll take a moment to reflect. Maybe your anger isn't negative or weak. Maybe it shows that you deserve better, too. Listen to it. Trust it. So do it with love and take care of yourself.
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